Go Shia LeBeouf Yourself

Like millions of other people, I really liked the 2007 movie Transformers. I mean, really liked it. Aside from rekindling my childhood fantasies of my mom's Oldsmobile turning into a butt-kicking ultimate fighter, it also left me more aware of how much I like things that are also other things.

Especially words.

I love "transformer words:" nouns that can be adjectives, verbs that double as adverbs, etc. Of course, this is more evidence of the casualization of our language, (see how casual it's gotten? I just made "casualization" a word!) but transformer words are everywhere. They're simply here to stay.

Here are some examples:

- Brand Names: You use a Xerox (proper noun) copier to xerox (verb) xeroxes (noun).

- Swears: We all need to pass solid waste by taking a $#it (noun). But $#itting (verb) doesn't just refer to fecal matter, as we've all been caught outside in $#itty (adjective) weather. Living in a rural state, I've even heard people refer to their buddies as "a good $#it" (noun), in what seems to me as a $#itty compliment.

- Everyday Words & Word Components: You jack (verb) up your car to fix your tire, and if you can do that with just your muscles, then you, ma'am, are jacked (adjective). But there are also jackhammers, jack-in-the-boxes, and jackrabbits, (all nouns) and those of us in long-distance relationships sometimes need to employ the verb version of the word jack to satisfy our adult needs. Of course, I chose this word to highlight because my name is Jack (proper noun).

How do I know it's natural that verbs, nouns, adjectives and all those other parts of speech should intermingle? Because the local news always tells me so. Imagine your favorite newscaster reading the following script:

“…a hair-raising story of unconditional love today in Toledo. It seems a mother chihuahua has adopted a baby squirrel whose mother had an unfortunate meeting with a concrete mixer. {chuckling} I guess you could say the fur was really flying there, huh, Connie? {more chuckling}”

If chihuahuas can adopt squirrels, then you can use Google (proper noun) to google (verb) up factoids on actor Shia LeBeouf or whatever else you may want to know. I am certain that googled (adjective) information would include teasers for Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen.

A particularly uncreative user of transformer words was on the most recent season of Project Runway. This aspiring fashion designer was named Blayne, wore California surfer clothes, and was prematurely wrinkled due to years of artificial tanning. He added the suffix –licious to any word to make it into an adjective. “Leathericious,” “neonlicious,” and “tanning bedlicious” were the kind of terms he’d spit out almost every minute. He’d even transform an adjective into an adjective, as I recall. I bet he’d call himself “handsomelicious.” Don’t be Blayne.

Instead, here are some suggestions for how you can be more playful with language in 2009:

- Next time you're at the bakery in need of a soft-centered doughy bit of love to get you through a $#it-filled day at work, ask the girl behind the counter to "cookie you."

- If you attend a wonderful party where delicious food was served with a hearty side of dazzling conversation, describe it as a "total Lisa party," substituting the name (proper noun) of your friend who throws great get-togethers whom you'd like to properly adjectivize.

- After you were the life of that party, leaving the entire guest list laughing, admiring, and appreciating your place on the planet, leave and quietly say to yourself, "I totally Nathaned that $#it!" (Again, substituting the name of someone you adore for their charm and wit, or just use Nathan. He has ample supplies of both those nouns and more.)

If you don't like these ideas, or think communicating in this way is silly or downright unintelligent, I hope a Prius transforms into a giant ninja and gives you a wedgie.

- Jacktastic